In a Mood

And it's not Mood Indigo. I'm in the mood to rant. When am I not in the mood to rant, right? But being clear-eyed for a day or two, brings all the stuff up to the surface, into the bright light of my consciousness, to be examined and then judged and ranted about.

I've always known that I would be a happier soul (?) in the midst of an unpeopled wilderness, but that was not in my plans. Well, lets say it was in my plans, but my plans fell short. Now my plan is to survive into old(er) age, with a minimum of stress and a maximum of love for my family. Love should solve everything, but I've always taken too much to heart. It's hard to watch injustices unfold on a daily basis in our society. It's difficult to watch as the ignorant masses go forward with no clue. By no clue, I mean no curiosity to figure things out on their own. No impetus to research and makes decisions for themselves based on reason. It makes an old curmudgeon like me even more curmudgeonly. That's no fun.

We will be seeing Brian Regan performing at the Paramount here in Seattle this Saturday. He never fails to make me laugh, and there has been many a dark night when I listened to his comedy album on my iPod and let those stresses float away on the evening breeze...only to return upon waking.

I'm hoping we can get lucky and see Jim Gaffigan later in the summer. Then I would have seen two of my favorite stand-up acts in one year. That would be a treat.

Fighting the Doldrums

It's Tuesday. The sun has decided to go away again. The trees may be in bud, and the Robins are singing, but spring hasn't sprung quite yet around here. I (along with everyone else in this city) could use some sunshine. Actual sunshine and metaphorical sunshine.

My IRA agent called this morning about my retirement account, in which I have about $80 dollars. He wanted to make sure that I'm getting ready for retirement. I make $11 an hour, so my retirement is kind of moot point. Unfortunately, Wal*Mart is not hiring greeters anymore.

And Now For Something Completely Different...

Well, not that different really. Just more rants from a dissatisfied customer. It is Friday, which means I have the next two days off. That's a good thing. It's payday, but since I have already mentally spent $400, then technically I'm broke. That's my usual situation on payday though. I'm never going to actually save enough money for a Maserati anyway. I just like to keep myself supplied with books, and weed. Everything else I enjoy in life is relatively free. It's never fun being one of the working poor here in America. We're supposed to keep ourselves in debt, yet happy, buying shiny trinkets like iPhones and so forth. But most of the people I know are not happy...unless they're delusional. It's not easy to walk through life, wishing you were one of the delusional ones, so that life would be you down so much.

I've always quested for answers, because the life we're in the midst of just seems to be lacking. As humans, we seem capable of so much more, but we waste our time fighting wars, and not just physical violent wars, but culture wars! Culture wars? You know...that's when one faction is offended by the practices of another faction, and decided to use whatever power at their disposal to influence those they disagree with. Ignorant folks sit at home, absorbing propaganda from the airwaves, and get all up in arms about things that actually have absolutely no effect on their lives. Witness gay marriage: I don't think I've ever heard a clear explanation on how gay marriage threatens heterosexual couples, who happen to be married. These same puritans never seemed to get as upset by the high divorces rates (especially in conservative Christian middle-America), or the fact the Elvis imitators routinely perform wedding ceremonies.

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Here I am on a Friday with 44 minutes to go until lunch. I'm having a very hard time getting motivated at work today. I should be pricing and shelving books, but I just want a day in the sun. Who doesn't want a say in the sun, huh? The bright side is that after lunch I only have a mere 2 and a half hours of work left. The dark side is all around me: lack of funds, upcoming medical procedures, (a momentary) lack of herbal relief, bill collectors knocking on the door, the IRS keeping my name on a list. I could go on, but I will resist. Instead, I will go back to work.

Too Late for Midnight

Don't ask me where that title comes from. It probably rose up from my subconscious and it's a song title or something. I'm too lazy to Google it to find out at the moment.

I have the urge to do about a dozen things at the moment, but I can tell that I'm fading fast. If I was full of vim and vigor, and could split myself up into a few extra personae, I would a.) read a chapter or two of Dennet's Kinds of Minds; I would watch another episode of AMC's "The Killing" -- I'm hooked; and I would continue to sit right here, writing and listening to music over my headphones. (AKA ear buds, AKA I will be needing hearing aids before I know it.)

Today whizzed by, as most Saturdays and days off in general, tend to do. Today had the added shine of being Justin's 7th birthday. We don't do parties, or go overboard in any way in this household. I just made him feel special, as I always do, but calling him "birthday boy" periodically, and pointing out that he had officially turned seven. He's looking forward to beating the hell out of a Sponge Bob pinata tomorrow evening at mommy's, but he enjoyed playing Super Mario with daddy; working and reworking his clay zombie sculpture; and having his favorite meal at nearby Mr. Villa's Mexican Restaurant.

Now I'm attempting to stretch my free time out just a little bit more, before succumbing to fatigue and crawling in beside my honey to slip into slumber-land. I hope that I can refrain from kicking my sweetheart in my sleep tonight. Early this morning, during a dream in which I remember fighting somebody, I kicked out repeatedly, also kicking my sweetie in the process. No harm was done. I just freaked her out a little with my nocturnal antics. She says that I do sometimes move, or talk in my sleep, but last night was a little extreme. I do remember seeing someone's posts on Facebook, joking about giving Chuck Norris a noogie, and wedge. It's possible that planted the suggestion of a martial arts fight in my dream. Who knows?

It's quarter past two, and I'm getting confused as to whether to say "tonight" or "this morning" in this post. I still need to brush my teeth and get ready for bed, which includes my nightly ritual of going outside onto our back deck for a short while, rain or shine. As it stands, I won't slip under the (heated) blankets until three, and even Justin would tell me that's too late. I can only hope to get in a nap tomorrow afternoon concurrently with his nap. He didn't nap today. but he was somehow quiet enough, so that I was able to catch up on some sleep.

So, even though I'm enjoying semi-mindlessly typing away here, listening to Led Zeppelin, I the Sandman playing my tune.

The Struggle to be Present

The struggle is to pull my brain out of its rut and get back to the goodness of life. It's not always easy to see the light at the end of the tunnel, especially if you don't necessarily believe in any kind of eternal light. There is too much suffering in this world for anybody to reasonably believe in a passionate god. Einstein once said that God doesn't roll dice, but I beg to differ. Yes, I'm going to disagree with old Alberto, because I as have come to understand the world -- and the universe at large -- it is random and chaotic. It's our little rigid human brains that try and put a reason behind everything, and I mean everything. It's why our brains are set up to recognize faces. In fact, our brains are so well-built to recognize patterns that we're constantly seeing elves in cloud formations and the face of Jesus Christ in water stains. It's just our brains trying to constantly recognize and figure things out, even those myriad of things that cannot possibly be understood by our mishmash of brain jelly.

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On another note: I will be going to work in less than an hour. Today is the one day of the week when I work the 2pm to 10:30pm shift. I took a sick day yesterday, because I was psychically unwell, as opposed to my usual mental debilitation. Shawn and Justin were both home yesterday too, for various ailments. Most of the crew at work has been out for one reason or another lately, but somehow I am the least believed when I call in sick. They may sense that most of the time I am well enough to go to work, but everyone has a right to some sick time. Just because I could function at work without passing out, does not mean I should be there.

It's been a life struggle no matter what direction I look in. I saw my doctor recently and found out that even though I have lost fourteen pounds since our last visit, my "bad" cholesterol has risen, so I need to revisit my doc soon. I worked through my IRA savings on various things like a family trip, clothing and bills, so now I'm back to my usual position of being broke. I have the IRS on my back to file for taxes for a couple of years ago. I will have to pay taxes on the IRA money I took out for our east coast trip. And then there is just the usual clamoring for monies from the ex-wife, American Express, car insurance and so forth. I just wish I had enough extra for some books and bud, but those luxuries are getting harder to maintain.

So, I am sitting here listening to some nice blues guitar by Joe Bonamossa. I have about 45 minutes until I need to button up and walk out into the cold rain for the trek to work. Everyone there will be there usual sourpuss selves, and I will just add one more to the crowd. At least today is not a holiday, as was Monday, so it shouldn't be busy -- just dull, boring and painful. I'd much rather spend this rainy day inside writing, reading and trying to reestablish ties with my beautiful wife. Instead, I'm going into the land of "I'm looking for this book, and I don't know the title or the author" type questions. Most days I enjoy working with book customers, but lately I just want to run away into the deep woods for a while. Just a winter respite is all I need.

Rough Night

I don't know what demons I was wrestling with last night, but I was tossing and turning all night long, and got up in a cold sweat. I know that part of me (the sensible part) is craving a vacation; some kind of respite from this dark and dreary winter. I also need some kind of change at work. I don't know what, but my mundane job can be quite oppressive sometimes.

Woe to the Weary

Who likes Monday? There is a psychological element to Mondays that makes most of us dread the beginning of the week. If you work what is considered a normal work week, then you most likely have Saturdays and Sundays off. If you're like me, that's never enough time.

I woke up this morning with an intense yearning to stay in bed. As I've aged, my body doesn't work as well as it used to. I saw my doctor just a few weeks back (she has cute ears, which helps) and now I've learned that my cholesterol has gone up. It's the bad cholesterol that has gone up, even though I've managed to lose fourteen pounds over the last few years, by walking to work.

Even at 51-years-old, I still get stressed out by the little things. I still get depressed about being stuck in a dead end job, and realizing that time is running out, and I'm probably not going to have a better job in my remaining years. Not unless some random chance brings luck my way.

It's not always easy to remind oneself of the gifts we already possess. I am not a believer in gods or spirits. We are born into a situation and if we're not happy with our life situation  we can struggle to achieve something better in our life.